31st July 2015

The disgusting things that parents do

542942e17d91999ec613603efb6441a7Being a parent isn’t exactly glamorous at times is it? So I thought it would be fun to compile a list of the smelly, unsavoury, and sometimes pretty disgusting things I have done in the last 3 years of being a parent. Some have happened once or twice, whilst others happen on an almost daily basis.

Treat this post like a quiz and score yourself one point for every achievement you can tick off the list. Your prize? Probably more of the below, but at least you’ll feel like a winner…

1. Fished a poo out of the bath using one of your child’s stacking pots.

2. Wiped another human being’s snot with your bare hands.

3. Changed a nappy, washed your hands, then smelt them a few minutes later and thought “nope, need another wash”.

4. Sniffed the bottoms of children that aren’t even your own in an attempt to find out ‘who done it’ at a play date.

5. Cheered when you heard a plop into the toilet during potty training.

6. Eaten a soggy crisp, half chewed sausage, or licked bit of pizza as you’re starving and it’s all they left you at teatime.

7. Been out in public, before looking down to discover your nipple pads aren’t doing a great job and you have nothing to change into.

 8. Cleaned up baby poo in public after an epic poonami that a nappy just couldn’t cope with.

9. Put your hand into your nappy bag and pulled it out covered in an unidentified sticky substance.

10. Taken a hit to the head when your baby boy starts weeing half way through a nappy change.

11. Got dressed in the morning, looked down to see food smears down the front of your outfit, thought about changing, but then thought ‘nah, not seeing anyone today anyway’ and carried on as you were.

12. Gone 5 days without a shower in the haze of newborn exhaustion.

13. Walked around with a long dribble of baby sick down your back for an entire day, only realising it when your partner gets home from work and points it out.

14. Apologised to staff when your child has a potty training accident in public and you are stood over a gigantic pool of urine.

15. Had a full-on conversation with a group of friends about the frequency or consistency of your child’s poo.

16. Jumped in the kids’ bath water for a relaxing soak after putting them to bed, knowing the probability of wee being in the water is about 99.9%

17. Automatically held out your hand to catch regurgitated or rejected food.

18. Been handed something crusty that you suspect came from a nose.

19. Felt a gush of warm vomit run down your back whilst carrying or cuddling a toddler with a sickness bug.

20. Found a poo in the middle of the lounge during potty training days, calmly picked it up and walked to the toilet, whilst feeling quite proud that they didn’t just do it in their pants. Silver linings…