Tag Archives: Soft Play Hell

29th May 2015

Enter At Your Own Risk – The 8 Hazards Of Soft Play Areas For Adults

IMG_1858If I owned a soft play, here are the warnings I would display on reception for accompanying parents…

1.    Slide Related Bum Injuries. There’s no doubt about it – our slide looks tempting, But make the mistake of throwing yourself down it and you risk friction burns, bruised hips, and the embarrassment of having to do a bum shuffle as you creep down at a tenth of the speed of those alongside you.

2.    Heat Exhaustion. We do have Air Conditioning in our establishment, but it’s nowhere near efficient enough to compete with the body heat of 50 overexcited small people. And it definitely doesn’t reach the highest parts of our jungle gym – so if you venture up with your child, we suggest you bring a towel to mop your brow throughout the exertions.

3.    Sore Heads. We thought it would be funny to create different ceiling heights throughout our jungle gym – so just when you think it’s safe to stand up straight, a poorly padded bar will thwack you over the head. Bring an ice pack.

4.    The Inevitable Moment Of Panic. With advanced security measures on the door, no child can escape our super safe play area. But you will still experience a terrifying moment of panic when you can’t place eyes on your child for a few minutes – and this will happen every single time you visit.

5.    The Shame of Getting Stuck. Here’s the thing; we designed our soft play area for small people. Not for big people. So if you accompany your child, you will find you don’t fit through certain tunnels, past certain obstacles, and across certain bridges. You will also discover that it’s much harder to get out of a ball pit than it looks.

6.    Bruised Limbs. We call it ‘soft play’, but that’s only when the mats stay together. If you dive to save your precariously balanced child, the speed and weight of your rescue mission will inevitably mean that one of the mats slides away beneath you. And your landing will inevitably not be soft. That ice pack should come in handy again.

7.    Wasted Food. We have a lovely café on site, but it’s really just for show. You can buy food and drink by all means, but you will be interrupted by your child roughly every 3 minutes – and cold coffee / soggy chips don’t quite have the same appeal.

8.    Protective Instinct. If you have a small person, we suggest you stay in the café and try to zone out with calming music or meditation. Accompany them into our play area and you will want to wrap them in bubble wrap and/or round up groups of larger children (especially those high on sugar).