1. Baby food is rubbish. And when I spotted my older brother was getting to eat proper food that you actually have to chew, the big people let me eat it too. Same goes for snacks – who wants a baby rusk when you’ve tasted a chocolate digestive?
2. Baby toys are boring. The big people dangled toys in front of my face when I was small – but as soon as I could sit up and drag myself to the toy box, I played with my brother’s toys. And honestly, I know my way around an iPad and iPhone better than anyone.
3. Second hand clothes aren’t that bad. Everyone feels sorry for the second child wearing hand-me-downs, but I like it. It means the big people don’t care when cover myself in red pasta sauce (bibs are for babies) or when I wear holes through the knees of my trousers pushing a car around (sitting still is for babies, too).
4. Baby classes are boring. The big people took me to a baby class once. We sang baby songs and waved baby toys around. It was OK, but I’d much rather hang out with my brother’s friends. One of them pretends to be a monster while we run around screaming and then we carefully slot our rice crackers between the sofa cushions when the adults aren’t looking.
5. Baby TV is rubbish. My brother watched things like ‘In the Night Garden’ and ‘Telletubbies’ when he was little (I know, because there are stuffed toys lying around the place) – but I never had to watch that rubbish. As soon as I was old enough to focus, I was watching grown up stuff like Ben & Holly, Charlie & Lola, and Paw Patrol.
6. They know I’m gifted. My brother wasn’t trusted with a crayon or lump of playdoh until he much older than me. But after a tantrum on the living room floor, I was given the chance to show off my skills. I’m so talented that the big people have displayed a few of my masterpieces on the fridge. I don’t know for sure, but I doubt my brother got that kind of glory.
7. Danger is fun. My brother told me that our big people have relaxed a lot since I came along. I believe them – after all, it takes them a whole 10 seconds to get to me when I am balancing on the windowsill. Life is good.
8. I always get my own way. I only have to do my ‘cute smile’ at the big people and they give me what I want. I don’t want to brag, but I am definitely sure that I must be cuter than my big brother. I smashed a mug of cold coffee all over the floor yesterday – and then I did my smile. I don’t even think they cared.
9. Weekends are better. My brother told me that the big people dragged him around boring places at the weekend when he was a baby. It was all about coffee, food, and shopping. They realised the error of their ways when I came along – and now we go to play areas, build sandcastles on the beach, or visit aquariums. I think they all know that I have improved things for the better.
10. I have a friend. The best thing about being a second child is that I have a friend – right from the moment I wake up and shout ‘Snack! Snack! Snack!’ from my cot for no other reason than to annoy him, to the moment I fall asleep to the sound of him singing Christmas carols in June. Why would I need any of the other stuff when I have him?