Tag Archives: funny

5th February 2015

10 Signs You Are Suffering From Mummy Madness…

10584646_1478399545738897_1162444128_n1 – When, after a seriously bad night with the baby, you put the kettle in the fridge and the milk on the kettle stand.

2 – When you have got so used to calling your other half ‘Daddy’, rather than his name, you start doing it in public and don’t even notice.

3 – When you walk into the supermarket, look down, and discover you have the baby’s pureed vegetables splattered down your outfit, with drips as low as your ankles.

4 – When you leave your house for a rare night out and realise you have a massive smile plastered to your face as you walk down the street.

5 – When you make yourself a cup of tea or coffee when the kids are asleep, switch on the TV, sit down on the sofa – and don’t realise until 20 minutes later you have been staring at children’s cartoons.

6 – When you start up a conversation about poo with your friends and no one bats an eyelid.

7 – When you head out with the kids with a bulging nappy bag, only to discover that the bulging nappy bag contains nothing you need. No nappies, no drinking cups, and no baby wipes. And then the baby poos, the toddler is desperate for a drink, and you discover an old pouch of baby food has squirted all up the inside of the bag.

8 – When you find yourself humming the tune to ‘Do you want to build a snowman?’ as you’re cooking dinner.

9 – When you cheer, clap and whoop out loud when your potty-training child does a wee in a public toilet. And you don’t even care who hears you.

10 – When your friend asks how the baby slept last night and you genuinely can’t remember what happened.



8th January 2015

The Truth Behind The Pictures

I love taking photos of the boys. I love adding filters to make the photos look pretty and adding them to Instagram. But do they really tell the truth about what it’s like to be a Mum? Not always, so I thought I’d shed some light on it. Here goes – and if you want more, make sure you follow me on Instagram at @louisemumofboys…

PLAY PARK

FLYINGICE LOLLYSUPERMAKETRUGBY TACKLETODDLER SELFIESANTA CLAUS

chatHATFACE PAINTINGDUCKSDADDYS DAYAQUARIUMBABY



21st October 2014

Some Advice For Pregnant Mums With Toddlers

IMG_3855So it’s been announced that K-Middy is due in April, giving her roughly a 21-month gap between babies. Been there, done that, got the puree-covered T-shirt. So here’s some advice for you Princess Kate – and anyone else that is currently pregnant with a toddler running around the house…

1. Introduce yourself to Peppa Pig, Ben & Holly, and Fireman Sam. They will be your babysitters for the first trimester while you swig Ginger Tea and take up residency in the bathroom.

2. On the rare occasions you do get out (and this will happen with more regularity as the nausea passes and your bump gets bigger), you will need some kind of child restraint system. Buggy / inescapable reins / those toddler backpacks with leads; you get the picture.

3. When you reach the third trimester, make sure there are four walls around you at all times. It pays to always remember this: your toddler can move a lot faster than you can.

4. If your child still naps, consider sleeping during these times. That guaranteed stretch of silence will soon be the stuff of dreams. “Silence?!” I hear you chortle, “I have a toddler!” But believe me, you will only notice the value of that silence when there is suddenly a newborn screaming through it.

5. Prepare your toddler for their sibling by pretending you are glued to the sofa when they ask you to play, grabbing their toys every time they pick one up, and dividing every snack into two and only handing them half.

6. Consider investing in some kind of child haulage system to lower the toddler into his cot when your bump is too big. Otherwise, get him used to the sudden adrenaline rush of falling from a height onto the mattress early on in your pregnancy (this will also be useful when you have a newborn in one arm and a toddler in the other).

7. Train your toddler to fetch things for you. Useful items include baby wipes, nappies, toys, and remote controls. This is also a very useful tool when you are too pregnant to get off the sofa (in this instance, add chocolate to aforementioned list).

8. As you near the end of your pregnancy, bring birthing ball down from the loft. Immediately regret your decision as toddler rolls it around house, knocking down everything in its path. Put birthing ball back in the loft.

9. If anyone happens to offer babysitting in the latter few months, immediately thank them, pull out your diary, and book them in. Early mornings will be especially useful; give them a spare key and give them directions to the nursery.

10. By all means allow your toddler to bond with their sibling by stroking your bump, saying their name, and holding up the teeny tiny clothing. But do not be alarmed when they continue stroking your bump after the baby has arrived, missing the point entirely.



9th October 2014

The Sod’s Law of Parenting

i-live-in-a-madhouse-ruled-by-a-tiny-army-that-i-made-myself1 – When you want one baby wipe, a clump of 10 will come out the packet. When you want 10, they will come out individually, folded up to make life as difficult as possible.

2 – When you only take one nappy out with you, your child will poo twice.

3 – Your child’s spill-free beaker never leaks at home. Put it in your bag and it will leak. 

4 – Your baby will wake frequently through the night at home, leaving you feeling like a zombie.  Send them to Granny and Grandad’s for the night and you can guarantee they will sleep right through.

5 – If you discover a new favourite foodstuff at a friend’s house or restaurant and fill the fridge with the new favourite foodstuff, your child will suddenly no longer like the new favourite foodstuff. It is guaranteed.

6 – This also applies to DVDs. Buy them the DVD that they sat transfixed in front and they will suddenly decide it isn’t worth their attention.

7 – If you ask a child if they need a wee before a long journey, they will say no. They will then ask for a wee five minutes later. Every time.

8 – If you have a clear out of some old toys to sell, your child will suddenly rediscover an old toy that they couldn’t possibly part with it. Same applies for passing old toys down to younger siblings.

9 – The baby can cry all day long and the toddler can whinge all day long – but when Daddy walks through the door, they will smile and giggle.

10 – If you make a cup of coffee, they will wake up from their nap.

11 – They will sleep in on a nursery or school morning – but be up with the sunrise on the weekend.

12 – They will be sat quietly, with full attention on an activity – until you answer a phone call and they start screaming, bouncing on the sofa, spilling their drinks, and begging for your attention.

13 – If you put them in a white top, it will have a suspicious stain within minutes.

14 – The day you forget the buggy rain cover is the day it will rain.

Can you add anything to the list?



30th September 2014

How To Get Ready For A Big Night Out In 50 Easy Steps (with two kids in tow…)

image.png

1. Have a shower at 6.30am before husband leaves for work

2. Wash hair and shave legs with 2-year old hanging around the curtain

3. Get out shower after 3 minutes as toddler is demanding cheerios

4. Get cheerios

5. Change two nappies

6. Get two children dressed

7. Look down at legs and realise you have missed patch, go to bathroom to get razor for quick patch-up job

8. Cut leg, grab toilet paper to stop bleeding, give up and let blood trickle down leg

9. Put TV on to entertain toddler and place baby into inflatable ring to play

10. Head into bedroom to get dressed and blow-dry hair

11. Turn on hairdryer

12. Turn off hairdryer, convinced you can hear toddler hitting baby over head with saucepan from his play kitchen

13. Give up and decide to let hair dry naturally

14. Feed baby porridge

15. Baby sneezes porridge over freshly washed hair after second mouthful.

16. Take children out to messy play class

17. Wash neon pink paint off toddler and put him in new set of clothes

18. Look down and discover neon pink paint in hair

19. Grab hairband from around wrist, put hair up and forget about it

20. Take children home, give them lunch, and put them down for naps

21. Hunt for dress for black tie event in wardrobe and discover it full of creases

22. While children sleep, iron dress, choose accessories, and re-paint smudged fingernail

23. Make toddler’s packed lunch for nursery the next day, as you know you wont be capable in the morning

24. Dash to give baby dummy, re-smudging finger nail in process

25. Re-paint smudged fingernail

26. Consider fake tan before realising children are bound to wake half way through and you will be half white / half tanned.

27. Discount idea of fake tan

28. Look for tan coloured tights in chest of drawers, managing to knock picture off top and wake up baby

29. Baby’s cries wake up toddler

30. Play and entertain children all afternoon

31. Cook dinner for children and feed them

32. Bath children

33. Get children into pyjamas

34. Welcome babysitter with open arms with 20 minutes until you need to leave

35. Do makeup in 5 minutes

36. Do hair in 2 minutes

37. Throw on dress

38. Put feet into shoes

39. Spend next 10 minutes explaining emergency drill to babysitter and showing her how to make milk for baby if he wakes

40. Spend another few minutes writing down several different numbers in case of emergency

41. Apply lipstick

42. Run toddler to potty as he suddenly needs a wee

43. Pray he manages to get it in the potty

44. Dispose of wee and get new pull-up nappy

45. Kiss children goodbye

46. Consider kissing babysitter

47. Kiss children again

48. Grab bag

49. Take deep breathe

50. Walk out door

Some nights are really worth it though...

Some nights are really worth it though…



19th August 2014

10 Ways Your Life Will Change As A Mum…

1. You will forget how to work your alarm clock.

2. Going to the supermarket on your own will feel like a holiday.

IMG_6654

3. You won’t flinch when you reach into your bag and discover a handful of raisins, an apple core, and a suspicious sticky smear.  You won’t even clean it up. That will be a job for tomorrow.

4. The most important thing in the world will be not to wake your children during nap times, So you will sneak in to watch them sleeping. You may even risk a photo.

photo 2-2

5. The theme tunes to shows like Peppa Pig and Balamory will seep into your mind at unexpected moments. Sometimes words will even escape your mouth. This is most likely to happen during important client meetings and silent train journeys.

6. You will wonder how you ever survived without baby wipes.

photo 1

7. Going to the toilet on your own will become an opportunity to catch up on text messages, emails, and Facebook.

8. You will perfect a poker face for when people without children tell you they are tired.

9. You will happily trade in your iPhone for five minutes peace and quiet

photo

10. When you think back to times in your life before you had kids, such as holidays or your wedding day, you will have a moment where you wonder ‘Who looked after the kids?’