Tag Archives: funny parenting advice

1st April 2015

15 Things That Usually Happen When I Feed My Children

10983702_1569014076717409_850744055_n1 – I walk to the kitchen, look in the fridge and think “maybe I’ll cook something different today”. I stop to ponder for a moment, hand on the fridge door as I peer inside – and I experience all kinds of domestic-goddess thoughts. I nearly grab a pinny and recipe book. But then I remember myself, have a little chuckle, and revert to Plan A.

2 – The second I switch on the oven / place pan on  hob / start chopping, the children are attracted to me like I’m like the Pied Piper of the kitchen. The toddler starts bleating ‘Can I have my tea now?’ on repeat, whilst the baby attempts to crawl up my leg.

3 – Every time I coax the children back into the lounge, running the risk of burning their dinner in the meantime, they are back by my side within seconds. This repeats several times.

4 – I give up and try and cook with one child attached to my leg and the other building a tower out of blocks behind my right foot.

5 – I knock the tower over. The toddler cries and runs out the kitchen. That solves one problem, at least.

6 – Dinner is ready and I dish it up, carefully counting out peas, potatoes, and fish fingers into equal portions. Also, three bits of fish finger fall into my mouth.

7 – I carry the two plates to the table / high chair, followed by the crawling baby. He looks delighted that his dinner is ready. The toddler takes one look at his plate, announces that he will only be eating pasta today, and returns his attention to the building blocks.

8 – I tell the toddler that he can have some jelly if he clears his plate. He immediately rushes to the table and I experience a horrible sinking feeling when I remember that we finished the jelly yesterday.

9 – I lift the baby into his high chair and take up position alongside him at the table, carefully hiding his yoghurt behind a mug so he doesn’t catch sight of it.

10 – I make the mistake of picking up the mug and accidentally take a swig of cold coffee from that morning. I recoil, he sees the yoghurt, and I spend the next 10 minutes smuggling bits of fish finger into his mouth between spoonfuls of strawberry yoghurt. He doesn’t seem to mind.

11 – Seeing the toddler speed through his plate, I start wondering whether jelly will set in the freezer in three minutes.

12 – I attempt to distract him by turning the television on and finding an episode of Peppa Pig.

13 – The baby tips his plate onto the floor while my back is turned.

14 – While I’m on my hands and knees picking up squashed potato from the floor, the toddler proudly delivers his empty plate, bar the peas, and announces that he is ready for his jelly. I tell him to eat the peas and he can have a yoghurt.

15 – The peas fly.



9th November 2014

What Kind Of Mum Are You?

IMG_1157You know those Facebook quizzes that pop up on your feed? One of the latest is: “What kind of natural disaster matches your personality?” Which is just what everyone needs to know, isn’t it? But I digress…

The one that grabbed my attention was ‘What Kind of Mum Are You?” Friends got answers along the lines of ‘The Patient Mum’ and ‘The Selfless Mum’. My curser hovered over the quiz for a few seconds, before I realised I had better things to do, like pick the jam from this morning’s breakfast from the rug. But it did get me thinking. What kind of Mum am I?

Sorry Facebook quiz thing, but there isn’t one single answer.

Some days, I am ‘The Crazy Mum’. The Mum that is pushed too far by the toddler smacking his brother in the head with Lighting McQueen, before slowly pouring a bowl of cheerios between the cushions of the sofa. Sometimes I hear myself scream at him and have a sudden, but fleeting memory of a time when my hair was blow-dried, my clothes were dry-cleaned, and what came out of my mouth was generally pretty well considered. On these occasions, I wonder whether motherhood has released the craziness from within – and I’ve realised the best way to deal with it is to take a deep breath, pick up the baby, and calmly start scooping cheerios out from between the sofa cushions (finding three raisins and a dried-up bit of apple in the process). Oh yes, I am definitely ‘The Crazy Mum’ at times.

Some days, however, I am ‘The Proud Mum’. Like the day I went to Stanley’s nursery concert and had to clench my teeth together to stop the tears pouring as he performed ‘Heads Shoulders Knees and Toes’ so perfectly with his classmates (seriously it was good, but I guess you kind of had to be there). I was pregnant at the time, I will add, so it could have been hormones, but it’s very true that these things make a mother irrationally proud and emotional. There have been so many other times too, like when I am in the kitchen and quietly witness Stanley carrying toys to his brother and kissing him gently on the head (see, their relationship isn’t always about wrestling) – or the time I was feeding Wilfred in the bedroom and I heard Stanley belting out Frère Jacques, which he learnt in French lessons at nursery. I am very proud of the boys, which means I must be proud of the way I have bought them up at times (although isn’t it hard to give ourselves any kind of praise for these things?) Oh yes, I am definitely ‘The Proud Mum’ sometimes.

Some days, however, I am ‘The Lazy Mum’. Like when it’s 3am and the baby thinks it’s hilarious to keep rolling in his cot and howling with laughter. On these occasions, I am the Mum that scoops him up, clears a space between me and the husband, and places him in our bed in the hope of a few more precious hours sleep.  I am the Mum that bribes the toddler with a lollipop to halt a toddler tantrum in public. I am the Mum that puts on the TV when both of the boys are tired and grizzly and I want to sit down with a coffee for the first time that day (I sometimes wonder if it would be easier to get my caffeine fix intraveniously, but I digress…) I am the Mum that buys a DVD player for the car so the toddler allows us to enjoy a road trip in peace. Oh yes, I am definitely ‘The Lazy Mum’ sometimes.

Some days, I am the ‘The Indecisive Mum’, ‘The Happy Mum’, ‘The Tired Mum’, and ‘The Slowly-Losing-The-Will-To-Live Mum’ all rolled into a few hours. In fact, sometimes I am all these things rolled into a few minutes – and during these times, when I have no idea what kind of Mum I am at all, I keep my mind very firmly focused on 7.30pm and the promised calm, the promised quiet. It’s a bit like a very turbulent, difficult flight – you just have to grin and bear it, as you will get to bedtime in the end.

You see, I really don’t think there is a single label or identity for a mother – and isn’t life more interesting that way?



2nd November 2014

10 Signs That You Are Sleep Deprived…

IMG_35781 – If someone offered to babysit your children for 24 hours, you would spend most the time in bed.

2 – You dream about lie-ins in the same way you used to dream about travelling to far-flung places; it probably wont happen for years to come, but the dream keeps you going in your darkest hours.

3 – There is no greater comfort than a pair of pyjamas, evening on the sofa, and early night. You now consider party shoes and dresses as a mild form of torture.

4 – You can not function in the morning without your first cup of tea or coffee. Running out of tea or coffee is a terrifying thought.

5 – You have started to do strange things, like put the kettle in the fridge and the milk on the kettle stand. You laugh about it with your friends, but secretly fear for your sanity.

6 – You go to the cinema, catch a train, or sit in the passenger seat of the car – and within a few minutes, you are snoring. In fact you’ve started to look forward to these extra few minutes of shut-eye.

7 – You seriously believe that no one in the world can possibly be as tired as you are. If anyone yawns in your presence, you want to shout ’Tired? Tired? I haven’t slept in months!’

8 – Short films of kittens on the Internet make you cry. And you don’t even like cats.

9 – You try to read a book, but give up after a few lines as your eyes get blurry and you cant focus.

10. You turn to your partner after a particularly bad night ask ‘what happened last night?’ but neither of you can remember, as one bad night has started to merge into the next.



21st October 2014

Some Advice For Pregnant Mums With Toddlers

IMG_3855So it’s been announced that K-Middy is due in April, giving her roughly a 21-month gap between babies. Been there, done that, got the puree-covered T-shirt. So here’s some advice for you Princess Kate – and anyone else that is currently pregnant with a toddler running around the house…

1. Introduce yourself to Peppa Pig, Ben & Holly, and Fireman Sam. They will be your babysitters for the first trimester while you swig Ginger Tea and take up residency in the bathroom.

2. On the rare occasions you do get out (and this will happen with more regularity as the nausea passes and your bump gets bigger), you will need some kind of child restraint system. Buggy / inescapable reins / those toddler backpacks with leads; you get the picture.

3. When you reach the third trimester, make sure there are four walls around you at all times. It pays to always remember this: your toddler can move a lot faster than you can.

4. If your child still naps, consider sleeping during these times. That guaranteed stretch of silence will soon be the stuff of dreams. “Silence?!” I hear you chortle, “I have a toddler!” But believe me, you will only notice the value of that silence when there is suddenly a newborn screaming through it.

5. Prepare your toddler for their sibling by pretending you are glued to the sofa when they ask you to play, grabbing their toys every time they pick one up, and dividing every snack into two and only handing them half.

6. Consider investing in some kind of child haulage system to lower the toddler into his cot when your bump is too big. Otherwise, get him used to the sudden adrenaline rush of falling from a height onto the mattress early on in your pregnancy (this will also be useful when you have a newborn in one arm and a toddler in the other).

7. Train your toddler to fetch things for you. Useful items include baby wipes, nappies, toys, and remote controls. This is also a very useful tool when you are too pregnant to get off the sofa (in this instance, add chocolate to aforementioned list).

8. As you near the end of your pregnancy, bring birthing ball down from the loft. Immediately regret your decision as toddler rolls it around house, knocking down everything in its path. Put birthing ball back in the loft.

9. If anyone happens to offer babysitting in the latter few months, immediately thank them, pull out your diary, and book them in. Early mornings will be especially useful; give them a spare key and give them directions to the nursery.

10. By all means allow your toddler to bond with their sibling by stroking your bump, saying their name, and holding up the teeny tiny clothing. But do not be alarmed when they continue stroking your bump after the baby has arrived, missing the point entirely.



19th October 2014

10 Things You Swore You’d Never Do As A Parent

photo 21 – Sugar. When you first bring a child into the world, you vow that sugar will not touch their lips until they go to university. Then their first birthday arrives and you let them destroy a cupcake. And the rest, as they say, is history.

2. The Living Room.I will absolutely not, under any circumstances, allow brightly coloured plastic toys take over my living room. It will remain an ADULT SPACE,” you said, stroking your pregnant bump. Fast forward a few years and you can hardly see the carpet.

3. iPads and iPhones. You saw parents in cafes reach into their bags and pull out iPads and iPhones to entertain their kids, while they tucked into their Full English Breakfast in peace. ‘Lazy parenting’, you thought. ‘I’ll involve my children in mealtimes when I am a parent.” Until that is, you have a couple of these small, noisy, fidgeting humans under your care and you fancy a Full English Breakfast in peace.

4. Nursery Rhymes. “I will not be that Mum that plays nursery rhymes in the car,” you told yourself. And then you gave birth to a child that prefers the sound of his own screaming to your carefully curated playlist. He liked Old Macdonald though – so you pressed ‘play’ so regularly that you still catch yourself singing the lyrics in the shower.

photo 1-25. Soft Play. Who would want to go into those horrendous, sweaty, noisy places by choice? Not you! Until you had a toddler and realised they could fall flat on their face and bounce straight back up. So you took up unlimited  entry membership.

6. Bribery. Before you had kids, you imagined your offspring would be delightful, polite, obliging little folk. It became obvious that wasn’t the case the first time they refused to get back into their buggy and you reached into your bag for a box of raisins. By the time you got to potty training, bribery was second nature.

7. Saying No to Invitations. As a pregnant lady, you were convinced that your social life would carry on where you left it – after all, you’d just take the child along too! No biggie! Until that is, the baby arrived and you realised drinks parties and evening meals weren’t quite as fun when you had to change pooey nappies between the martinis.

IMG_02748. Flights. As a childless traveller, you watched parents with babies board the plane and held your breath until they walked past your seat. And as you witnessed their fruitless attempts to get their babies to sleep / stop screaming, you swore you’d never put fellow travellers through the ordeal in the future. Until that future arrived and you realised you still quite liked holidays.

9. Snot. Wipe another human being’s snot off their face with your bare hands? The thought would’ve made you heave in your pre-child days. Now it happens daily and your clothes reveal the evidence.

10. Oven Food. Before the kids came along, you had visions of yourself in the kitchen, creating home cooked meals from scratch, dressed in a floral pinny, with a smile on your face as your little darlings played nicely on their own. And then you become a mother, realised that you have about 3 minutes every night to knock up dinner (usually with a child attached to your leg) – and in a weak moment in the supermarket, picked up a packet of fish fingers. After that, life was never the same again.



9th October 2014

The Sod’s Law of Parenting

i-live-in-a-madhouse-ruled-by-a-tiny-army-that-i-made-myself1 – When you want one baby wipe, a clump of 10 will come out the packet. When you want 10, they will come out individually, folded up to make life as difficult as possible.

2 – When you only take one nappy out with you, your child will poo twice.

3 – Your child’s spill-free beaker never leaks at home. Put it in your bag and it will leak. 

4 – Your baby will wake frequently through the night at home, leaving you feeling like a zombie.  Send them to Granny and Grandad’s for the night and you can guarantee they will sleep right through.

5 – If you discover a new favourite foodstuff at a friend’s house or restaurant and fill the fridge with the new favourite foodstuff, your child will suddenly no longer like the new favourite foodstuff. It is guaranteed.

6 – This also applies to DVDs. Buy them the DVD that they sat transfixed in front and they will suddenly decide it isn’t worth their attention.

7 – If you ask a child if they need a wee before a long journey, they will say no. They will then ask for a wee five minutes later. Every time.

8 – If you have a clear out of some old toys to sell, your child will suddenly rediscover an old toy that they couldn’t possibly part with it. Same applies for passing old toys down to younger siblings.

9 – The baby can cry all day long and the toddler can whinge all day long – but when Daddy walks through the door, they will smile and giggle.

10 – If you make a cup of coffee, they will wake up from their nap.

11 – They will sleep in on a nursery or school morning – but be up with the sunrise on the weekend.

12 – They will be sat quietly, with full attention on an activity – until you answer a phone call and they start screaming, bouncing on the sofa, spilling their drinks, and begging for your attention.

13 – If you put them in a white top, it will have a suspicious stain within minutes.

14 – The day you forget the buggy rain cover is the day it will rain.

Can you add anything to the list?



30th September 2014

How To Get Ready For A Big Night Out In 50 Easy Steps (with two kids in tow…)

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1. Have a shower at 6.30am before husband leaves for work

2. Wash hair and shave legs with 2-year old hanging around the curtain

3. Get out shower after 3 minutes as toddler is demanding cheerios

4. Get cheerios

5. Change two nappies

6. Get two children dressed

7. Look down at legs and realise you have missed patch, go to bathroom to get razor for quick patch-up job

8. Cut leg, grab toilet paper to stop bleeding, give up and let blood trickle down leg

9. Put TV on to entertain toddler and place baby into inflatable ring to play

10. Head into bedroom to get dressed and blow-dry hair

11. Turn on hairdryer

12. Turn off hairdryer, convinced you can hear toddler hitting baby over head with saucepan from his play kitchen

13. Give up and decide to let hair dry naturally

14. Feed baby porridge

15. Baby sneezes porridge over freshly washed hair after second mouthful.

16. Take children out to messy play class

17. Wash neon pink paint off toddler and put him in new set of clothes

18. Look down and discover neon pink paint in hair

19. Grab hairband from around wrist, put hair up and forget about it

20. Take children home, give them lunch, and put them down for naps

21. Hunt for dress for black tie event in wardrobe and discover it full of creases

22. While children sleep, iron dress, choose accessories, and re-paint smudged fingernail

23. Make toddler’s packed lunch for nursery the next day, as you know you wont be capable in the morning

24. Dash to give baby dummy, re-smudging finger nail in process

25. Re-paint smudged fingernail

26. Consider fake tan before realising children are bound to wake half way through and you will be half white / half tanned.

27. Discount idea of fake tan

28. Look for tan coloured tights in chest of drawers, managing to knock picture off top and wake up baby

29. Baby’s cries wake up toddler

30. Play and entertain children all afternoon

31. Cook dinner for children and feed them

32. Bath children

33. Get children into pyjamas

34. Welcome babysitter with open arms with 20 minutes until you need to leave

35. Do makeup in 5 minutes

36. Do hair in 2 minutes

37. Throw on dress

38. Put feet into shoes

39. Spend next 10 minutes explaining emergency drill to babysitter and showing her how to make milk for baby if he wakes

40. Spend another few minutes writing down several different numbers in case of emergency

41. Apply lipstick

42. Run toddler to potty as he suddenly needs a wee

43. Pray he manages to get it in the potty

44. Dispose of wee and get new pull-up nappy

45. Kiss children goodbye

46. Consider kissing babysitter

47. Kiss children again

48. Grab bag

49. Take deep breathe

50. Walk out door

Some nights are really worth it though...

Some nights are really worth it though…



21st September 2014

10 Mistakes We Make As Mums

i-live-in-a-madhouse-ruled-by-a-tiny-army-that-i-made-myself1. Buying only newborn clothes. I made this mistake with my first, buying every vest and sleep suit in ‘New Baby’ that I could lay my hands on. When I went to the chest of drawers to locate the next size up, I discovered I had one pair of swimming shorts and a flat cap. So that was useful.

2. Failing to restock the nappy bag. Picture the scene. I’m out with the kids, feeling pretty smug that we have made it out to the real world and everybody is safe and happy. Then I realise that the baby has pooed, it has exploded up his back, and I have no baby wipes, no change of clothes, and probably no spare nappies. I do have a musical rattle, strip of paracetamol, and box of raisins though. Marvellous.

3. Running the bath several times every night. I find the perfect temperature, get distracted, discover it’s too hot and run just the cold tap, get distracted, discover it’s too cold – and repeat.

4. Standing on the bathroom scales after having a baby. At some point in my post-birth daze with my first, I purchased some bathroom scales from the supermarket on a whim. I’ll just quickly check how much weight I’ve lost, I thought. It’ll help me stay motivated, I thought. I stood on those scales and cried, before throwing them down the rubbish chute. Then I marched to the fridge and grabbed a bar of Dairy Milk to console myself. I should’ve just done the latter.

5. Clipping a finger when cutting little nails. I have done this to both babies. I concentrate fully on the task in hand, line up the finger, keep my breathing nice and steady, double check the clippers are in the right position. And yep, I still do it.

6. Drinking alcohol. It’s a mistake I have often made. The kids are in bed, the babysitter has arrived, and I am dressed up for a night on the tiles. I’ve put the kids to bed on my own for five nights straight, dealt with more toddler tantrums than you care to remember, and cooked dinners with a teething 7-month old attached to my hip. I definitely deserve this. What I haven’t considered, however, is that I will be doing all these things again tomorrow, with the added inconvenience of dashing to the bathroom to heave.

7. Making promises to a toddler. In my experience, it is the law of the world that if I promise our 2-year old that we will be visiting the park that afternoon, the car won’t start. If I promise him pink ice cream, there will only be chocolate. If I promise we will see a friend for a play date, they will cancel. It is far better to keep quiet and watch his face light up when things goes right. Because as tempting as it is to use our future plans as bribery for good behaviour, if the plans go wrong, the consequences are pretty grim.

8. Hoping Daddy will find it just as tough. Don’t get me wrong – I am all for Daddy daycare. This happens in my house at least once a week. The mistake, however, is thinking Daddy will find it just as tough and confess undying admiration for your skills as a mother when you walk back through the door.. This will not happen, as the children will sit quietly reading like little angels, the television will be switched to a sports channel while he reclines in comfort, and bedtime will work like a dream. The same applies to grandparents and babysitters. Your hard work will remain unappreciated.

9. Leaving half-drunk mugs of tea or coffee within reach. It is a law of parenting that you will only finish half your mug of tea or coffee before a small person demands your attention. The big mistake I make on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis is leaving them where small hands can grab them or thrown balls can knock them over. We made the mistake of purchasing a white sofa in our pre-kids days. It’s now mostly brown.

10. Waking a sleeping child. Whether I am gently lying my hand on their chest to check they are breathing, moving their squished-up faces away from the bars of the cot, or creeping into the room to grab something I left behind at bedtime, it is absolutely inevitable that I will wake them up at least once during nap or bed time. Two and a half years into motherhood and I still haven’t learnt to effectively creep. It’s worth a silent scream into a cushion.



30th August 2014

10 Things That Make Parents Mad

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1. People that use Parent Parking Spaces when they don’t have kids. If they have the pleasure of walking around that shop without a baby crying or toddler pulling tins off a shelf, they certainly don’t need the privilege or extra wide spots and a shorter walk to the store. Ditto to people who use them with teenagers. Just no.

2. Unwarranted advice. The old lady that tells you the baby is hungry when he has just finished a mammoth 6-hour breastfeeding session. The ex-midwife that stops to tell you the muslin draped over the pram is restricting the airflow to your sleeping child. The childless person that tells you their niece/nephew/long lost best friend was sleeping through the night at 2 weeks old or potty trained in just a day. Shut it.

3. People who take the lift when they don’t have a pram or disability. Lazy. Just lazy.

4. Anything that wakes up a sleeping child. The person that bumps into your pram pushing past. The dog that barks next door. The postman ringing the doorbell just as the baby’s eyes start to shut. You can only pray for a healthy dose of karma.

5. When you go to the fridge to make a much-needed cup of coffee and the husband has used up all the milk. Practically worth a divorce.

6. When you prepare a delicious and nutritious meal for your child and they don’t even take a bite. And even worse when the plate is thrown across the room and you are forced to wipe aforementioned meal from cupboards, toasters, kettles and dishwasher. And even worse that that when they take pleasure in your rage.

7. When children refuse to nap / when children are still awake hours after their bedtime / when children wake up hours before their usual wake up time. Basically anything to do with children and sleep. Worthy of a silent scream and fist pump into a pillow.

8. When you call the doctors and are given an appointment three weeks away. And when the person on the other end of the phone has no interest whatsoever in the fact that the suspicious itchy rash / cough that wakes them / seven-nappy-changes-an-hour may result in your own demise. The disinterest in their voice is what really tips you over the edge.

9. People who complain loudly about your child’s presence / behaviour / noise levels. However much it is annoying them, you can guarantee it is annoying you ten fold.

10. When a childless friend asks if you want to go out that evening. Of course you want to go out that evening. You would pay good money to go out that evening. But instead you will be donning your pyjamas at 7pm and taking up residence on the sofa with a dodgy quiz show and vat of wine.



19th August 2014

10 Ways Your Life Will Change As A Mum…

1. You will forget how to work your alarm clock.

2. Going to the supermarket on your own will feel like a holiday.

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3. You won’t flinch when you reach into your bag and discover a handful of raisins, an apple core, and a suspicious sticky smear.  You won’t even clean it up. That will be a job for tomorrow.

4. The most important thing in the world will be not to wake your children during nap times, So you will sneak in to watch them sleeping. You may even risk a photo.

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5. The theme tunes to shows like Peppa Pig and Balamory will seep into your mind at unexpected moments. Sometimes words will even escape your mouth. This is most likely to happen during important client meetings and silent train journeys.

6. You will wonder how you ever survived without baby wipes.

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7. Going to the toilet on your own will become an opportunity to catch up on text messages, emails, and Facebook.

8. You will perfect a poker face for when people without children tell you they are tired.

9. You will happily trade in your iPhone for five minutes peace and quiet

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10. When you think back to times in your life before you had kids, such as holidays or your wedding day, you will have a moment where you wonder ‘Who looked after the kids?’