My lovely little family that I adore so much.
Easy, that is, until I started to feel so uncomfortable that I wanted to skip forward 10 weeks and have her in my arms – not in my belly, kicking my ribs, squishing my stomach, and putting ever-increasing pressure on my hips.
I am starting to struggle – and it’s much earlier than it was with the boys. I feel like I’m full term already, mooing like a cow as I attempt to turn over in bed (to the point that my husband sometimes even glances up from his book or phone to check I am not giving birth in the marital bed). I feel uncomfortable walking around for too long, but uncomfortable sitting down for too long too. My tummy feels like it’s going to pop. I limp for the first few minutes when I heave myself up from the sofa. Put simply, as happy as I am that I am growing a little miracle to add to our family, I am wishing away the third trimester so I can hold her in my arms.
But whilst I am counting down the days now and get a flurry of butterflies when I think about meeting our little girl for the first time, it has suddenly hit me like a lightning bolt that life is going to change as we know it.
My boys will have a sibling, which is wonderful – but how will she fit in?
My husband will have a daughter – but will he love her as much as his boys?
I will have a little girl – but will it feel the same as it did with my little boys?
And most importantly, we will change from a tight-knit family of four to a family of five – so can life ever be the same again?
I’ve had these worries once before, of course – whilst heavily pregnant with my second little boy in 2014, not really knowing whether I was going to be able to love another child like I did my first. Worrying about the fact that our family was changing. Unsure my husband would bond in the same way a second time.
There was nothing to worry about. Everything was wonderful – and that second little baby was as loved as his brother. And now, two years later, I can’t imagine life any other way. My heart swelled the moment I gave birth, with more than enough room for both my babies.
So I know that everything is going to work out in the end – but that doesn’t stop me looking back at this period as a family of four and feeling a little sad that it’s coming to an end.
My littlest baby will soon be my middle baby, his older brother will suddenly seem older, taller, and more mature – and I don’t know if I’m ready for all that.
I am so very grateful and happy for our little girl to be joining us – but I’m scared too. And if I’m honest, a little sad that this happy time as a foursome is coming to an end.
So for the next 10 weeks, I am going to try and put the aches, pains, kicks in the ribs, and sleepless nights to the back of my mind – and soak up every second I spend with my lovely little family of four.
Just the four of us – for a little while longer, at least.