1 – The highchair is not your friend. It is a tool used by big people to minimise mess and mischief. When you are first placed into it, eat peacefully for a few minutes – but as soon as their backs are turned, throw every other mouthful onto the floor. You should also throw your water bottle onto the floor at least twice. These tactics will ensure the big people leave you in this restraint device no longer than necessary. Repeat every mealtime.
2 – The buggy is another device that should not be encouraged. When placed into it, make every attempt to fight your way out of the straps until you are either carried or allowed to walk. Be wary of big people giving you snacks to distract you. Those rice cakes may taste good, but freedom feels a lot better. Keep up the fight and your big people will eventually start leaving the buggy at home.
3 – If your big people are distracted trying to cook, do laundry, or clean the house, you should do everything in your power to bring their attention back to you. Toddle straight to a glass of water, plug socket, or tall standing lamp – and then alert the big people to your current location with a squeal. Repeat as many times as necessary until they give up.
4 – If your big people have just made themselves a cup of tea or coffee, repeat the steps above until it goes cold.
5 – If one of your big people takes you into the bathroom with them when they need to use the toilet, bang on the door repeatedly and scream to get out. If one of your big people goes into the bathroom without you, bang on the door repeatedly and scream to get in.
6 – If your big people make and attempt to eat food in front of you, immediately join them and demand to be fed at least half. This will discourage selfish behaviour.
7 – Horizontal nappy changes are an inconvenience and should not be encouraged. Whilst your legs are in the air, try to roll repeatedly. You should also scream. Your big people will eventually teach themselves to complete a nappy change whilst you are standing up. This is in everyone’s best interests.
8 – Hiding things around the house is a game that the whole family will enjoy. For maximum participation, hide important items, such as the TV remote or car keys. Keep the game interesting by ignoring questions and loitering in a completely different area to your hiding place.
9 – Your big people may try and put you to bed late one evening in the hope of a later start the next morning. Do not stand for this behavior. Make sure that you wake up at the same time as usual with enough noise to wake them up immediately. Feel free to throw in a few extra wake-ups during the night too. They will soon learn their lesson.
10 – Your big people will tell you that their mobile phone is not a toy. Do not be deceived. It is the best toy ever invented. Make every attempt to find it and take it to a quiet place.