Are you even a parent if you haven’t argued over who was awake more times in the night or who was up the earliest with the kids? I mean, sleep deprivation and parenting may go hand-in-hand, but both have the tendency to fray tempers. Especially when the person next to you in the bed has the audacity to snore as you are trying to settle a baby back to sleep.
- “It’s definitely your turn!”
You know how it pans out. The distinct aroma of a child’s skanky nappy starts working its way around the room – and it’s a game of who can make themselves scarce first. And if you are both unlucky enough to be on the scene at the same time as detection, it’s definitely not your turn to do it. Because you did it last time. And let’s face it, probably the time before that too.
- “Where are the sodding nappies?”
You’re out and about with the brood, when the smallest one needs a nappy change. You reach into your bag to pull out a nappy – but there are none to be found. You know there was one in there this morning, because you checked. And then you remember the nappy change before you left the house, when your partner clearly raided the stash because they couldn’t be bothered to walk upstairs. And it’s definitely not a coincidence that they are now googling the nearest supermarket on their phone…
- “It costs HOW much?”
Whether it’s investing in a new buggy to accommodate a new baby (because this one has tons of features we didn’t have with the last one), buying a dress that you saw online that you loved but wasn’t exactly thriftstore, or realising your two-year old now needs their very own seat on a flight and has nearly doubled the price of the holiday, it’s nearly impossible to navigate parenting without the odd argument about how much these little cash-guzzlers cost.
- “Good Cop, Bad Cop”
One of you does most the legwork, changes most of the stinky nappies, does most of the night shifts, calms the most tantrums – and the other walks through the door and has little people running to them with a look of pure joy on their little faces. And when it comes to disciplining, there’s usually one that is seen as the soft touch, while the other gets a rap for being unkind. It’s all part of parenting as a team, but it’s bloody unfair – and you aren’t afraid to say it.
- “Romance? Ha!”
Because children + romance = barely compatible. But one half of the couple probably wants to try anyway.
- “You want to buy a mini bus?”
When kids come along, car dreams are shattered. And whether it’s the first leap to a sensible family car (when you were quite happy in that sporty little number) – or having to succumb to a mini bus when your brood expands, it’s rare you’re going to agree in the early stages of your ‘discussions’.
- “The Wake-up Call”
Whether they flushed the toilet during nap time, shut the door a bit too noisily, or decided to ramp up the football a notch or two, if it’s their bloody fault that the baby woke up, you will be telling them. And then passing them the baby.
- “WHERE ARE YOU?”
It doesn’t matter if it’s a legitimate reason. It doesn’t matter if they are dealing with an emergency at work or if the car broke down or if an old friend flew half way across the world for a drink and a catch-up, if they aren’t home by the time they said they’d be home to share the parenting, it’s nearly impossible to bite your tongue and smile sweetly when they walk through the door.
- “Are you even listening?”
And when you’ve just completed a five-minute soliloquy about childcare dilemmas, the merits of every primary school in the area, or a list of adorable things your shared offspring did earlier that day and your partner looks up vacantly and says: ‘Sorry love, what was that? I don’t think I was listening…” Well. Seriously. They may as well just pack their bags now.